Over the past several months, I have spent countless hours washing dishes, cooking meals, and cleaning washrooms under the sound of Christian podcasts. These have run the gamut from theological teaching series by R.C. Sproul and Mike Winger to informative conversations with apologists Sean McDowell and Alisa Childers. I have found myself challenged and encouraged, drawn to Scripture and drawn into worship even during the most mundane parts of my days as a stay-at-home mom. The one thing I did not anticipate was how much I would be reminded of just where I would be without the faithful hand of Jesus in my life. I have often been brought to my knees, thanking Him for holding my hand when anxiety almost crushed me and for loving me when my own fallenness and inadequacy pulled me toward despair. Thanking Him for answering my questions in the darkness with the light of his truth. As I draw closer to my 30th birthday this year and look back on the last 10 years, I am floored by how much change God has walked me through.
Yet, as I read Bible stories with my two sons each night and hear their voices sing "Jesus, Strong and Kind" beside me, I remember vividly how differently I felt 10 years ago. I remember how this Jesus who I now know to be so close, often felt so far away, as I daily faced a world that hated or laughed at everything He stood for. I remember how many nights I lay awake wondering how I was supposed to walk with Jesus when my faith felt fractured, my own family felt fractured, and my own feelings and thoughts were often unwelcome and unexplained. I remember escaping to the basement piano room on my university campus to play and replay familiar hymns I now was struggling to believe. I would sit in the silence, let out my tears, and play more until I had words to pray. "How, Lord? How do I know if I'm even still Yours?"
Today, I came across an article I shared 7 years ago to the day - "When Your Twenties Are Darker Than You Expected" by Paul Maxwell. I remember the way his words allowed me to bring my darkness fully into Jesus' light...but today I find the link is now dead, and so is the author's faith. Maxwell, a former professor of Philosophy at Moody Bible Institute, apparently renounced Christianity 1 year ago this April in an all-too-familiar "deconversion" post concluding with the words "I'm in a really good spot. Probably the best spot of my life. I'm so full of joy for the first time. I love my life."
No matter how many of these posts I read (and I have read so many the past few years), I will always be left with the question "Why?" I want to know why someone who has claimed to have seen Christ walk with them through their darkest moments is now happy to reject Him completely. I would ask him, "What about your current life brings you such fullness of joy? What do you love about your life that you didn't love before? What did you think about the meaning of your life as a Christian and what do you think about that now? How do you define being "in a good spot"?"
I want to ask because I wonder if the people stepping away from Jesus have ever asked themselves these questions. In my own life, I can say without a shred of hesitation that the worst moments of my life have been the moments in which I have pushed Him out, out of my own shame or fear or negligence or rebellion. In the depths of my sin or my pain, the worst news I could ever hear is that I am okay the way I am. Or that I am queen of my universe and have everything I need to flourish within my own mind and heart. Reality has shown me over and over again that this is a lie.
When I am at odds with God, I put myself into a position in which I am most likely to be hurt and to hurt others. When the Scriptures say that our hearts are deceitful and desperately wicked, this is NOT hyperbole - it is fact. When the Apostle Paul calls himself a wretched man imprisoned in a body of death, on what basis would we argue with him?! He WAS wretched, but Jesus came to Him anyway. Jesus showed up in a powerful way, transformed him completely, and set him apart for a purpose beyond what he could have imagined. THIS is what Jesus Christ does! We are wretched, but Jesus comes to us anyway. He shows up, changes us, and uses our lives in ways only He can orchestrate.
The famous quote, "When we cannot trace His hand, we can trust His heart" has proven true for me over and over. Every time my back has been against the wall and I have felt overwhelmed by circumstances that I cannot explain away, Christ has stepped into that place with me and shown me His love in powerful ways. Even when He has felt far away, He has never been far away.
These past several months have revealed many of my former church and school friends who have chosen to live in continual and public contradiction to God's Word. That may mean embracing a life along the LGBTQ spectrum, or cutting ties with all Christian community, or vigorously denying core biblical Christian doctrines, or any number of drastic choices distancing them from the Lord. This decision often feels sudden to an onlooker like me, but it cannot be sudden. Though I can't know the specific "whys" for each person, I do know that the journey away from Jesus is a long progression of small steps that then begin to move faster and faster in an opposite direction. We often hear it said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step - in this case, the journey of a thousand miles away from Christ begins with a single step away from Him. Maybe we are swayed first by politics or rhetoric, or by our apathy, or by our shame, or by our own temptations and desires, or even by the arguments of trusted teachers or loved ones...but no matter how it begins, we often only see the trajectory when we are worlds away from we started.
I feel a sense of overwhelming sadness when I see people turn their eyes from Jesus - not because I am somehow spiritually superior, but precisely because I know I am not. I grieve because I realize that my own life is nothing without Him, and l fear that they will soon come to that realization too - after a long season of pain and confusion that I'd much rather they not experience.
The reality is that were it not for the incredible love and mercy of Christ gripping my heart as a child, I would be in a place far different than where I am today. I would be alone in my sin, angry at the church, isolated from many Christian loved ones, and unprepared to meet my Creator. Were it not for the clear truth of God's Word gripping my mind as a child, I would find ways to ignore what it says as irrelevant and outdated. Were it not for the redeeming power of Christ's finished work on the cross gripping my soul as a child, I would easily make peace with my sin and assure myself that "sure, Jesus was good and everything, but I can be good too, and I'm in no need of a Savior."
If the gospel had not penetrated to the very core of my identity, I would be the very worst version of where my personality leads - a perfectionist so wrapped up in my accomplishments AND my failures that I would eventually find the pressure too much and end my life before the world could watch every facet of my life implode. It may sound morbid, but it is the truth. When I take an internal look now, though, I am genuinely stunned by the goodness of God. I am amazed at how embracing the gospel of His grace has freed me from so many chains I had no idea I was carrying - chains of shame and criticism and fear and pride and sadness.
My favorite quotes in all the world come from John Newton: "Although my memory's fading , I remember 2 things very clearly: I am a great sinner, and Christ is a great Savior." And then, "I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still, I am not what I used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am."
God's grace frees me from needing to be good enough, but empowers me to grow in goodness through the Holy Spirit's power. God's grace frees me from needing to hide or excuse my sin, and empowers me to expose my sinfulness to the light and walk in repentance and forgiveness. God's grace shows me how unrighteous I am and simultaneously, how Christ offers me His righteousness through the greatest exchange in the universe. God's grace allows every dark and disastrous moment in my life to be redeemable, and offers hope and purpose in places where both seem impossible to find.
Contrary to what many might believe or want you to think, true Christianity is never a claim to personal moral superiority - it is a claim to God's moral supremacy over sinners. True Christianity is not committing to following a list of rules to make peace with an angry God - it is an angry God reaching out in love to save people who are incapable of following the rules from His own just punishment for sin. God is judge AND mediator AND substitute. The "good news" is the story of how good we were supposed to be, how fallen we now are, how perfect and gracious God is, and how perfect we will be made through Christ's costly intervention on our behalf.
For what it's worth, I am certain there is absolutely NO news that could be more refreshing than that for the me of 10 years ago or the me I am now. No matter what life throws at me, no matter what hard circumstances want me to believe, no matter what I hear or read or see or desire or feel, this I know: I am not enough, and Christ is enough. I am a sinner, and Christ has saved me. I am not who I say I am, but I am who God created me to be. The Word of God is a lamp to show me where I'm going and light that leads me safely along the way. And when I repent and turn to the Lord, He promises to always welcome me Home into His family - and a love like that is worth everything it takes to reciprocate.
I give myself to Him because He gave Himself for me. And I hang on tight to grace, knowing it is my lifeline for now and for eternity.
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