Fellow Mom, De-Influence Yourself for the Good of Your Soul

In 2025, apparently all it takes for the "neighborhood mom" to be vaulted into fame as a spokesperson for our entire population is a TikTok account full of foolish relationship advice and an Instagram page plastered with images of herself either weeping over the all-consuming burdens of motherhood or selling the mirage of the fashionable, affluent, and thus, flawless family. You must have seen them before.

One such influencer bemoans the unbearable mental load and emotional labor of her life as a mom while criticizing her husband's incomprehensible inability to lift that load off her weary shoulders. One cries on camera about the fact that she has lost herself as she is changing diapers and washing dishes while she could be out dancing and drinking with friends on a Friday night as she used to. One advises that you should never tell your child to obey you without an explanation as it devalues their personhood and will traumatize them as adults. One advises that if your "inner knowing" routinely tells you that you are not being "seen" by your husband, instead of working through it, it is time you just stick up for yourself by divorcing him because your children will be proud of you one day. The moms of TikTok and Instagram have officially made it trendy to demean domestic life, embrace dissipation, ignore discipline, and celebrate divorce.

It is a trend that I, as a millennial, have watched tragically wreck the lives of many women of my generation. Even Christian women who should have known better. And I have sat many nights, rocking my baby or folding yet another load of laundry, asking myself, "Why?". What is it about the opinions and lifestyles of random women we do not know that we now find so compelling on social media? Why have we allowed them to shape our marriages, our parenting, and our perception of ourselves and others in such profound ways? For the sake of my sisters in Christ, I would like to A) offer a few personal observations that might assist us in answering these questions, and B) provide a Biblical antidote to the destructive messaging of some of these online influencers.

There are three factors in our current culture that seem to be skyrocketing the influence of entirely unqualified "experts" in the female online world. I will call them the vortex (the addictive nature of the media's algorithms), the vacuum (the lack of meaningful consistent connection with the Lord and other women in our families, churches, and social circles), and the void (the tendency we as women can have to perceive things in a negative way, seeing all the inadequacies of ourselves and others in the severest light possible).

The vortex, the vacuum, and the void feed off each other to create the conditions that leave us vulnerable to worldly ideologies. Our minds are not being filled with truths they should be filled with, such as the Scriptures and godly encouragement. Thus they are susceptible to being filled with all manner of unbiblical ideas. Discernment all but disappears. The fear of God lessens in our hearts as the fear of man grows in equal proportion. Our fallen nature then uses everything we take in -- the emotion-driven diatribes, the self-focused laments, the arbitrary and often legalistic lists of dos and don'ts, the flashy photos of wealth and status, etc. -- to cast a dark shadow over us and our loved ones. We are not enough, we think and feel. He is not enough. My family is not enough. This life I am living is not enough to fill me. So maybe they are right. I should be more like them.

It is no secret that the devil loves to deceive and ensnare us. Most often, we do not see his crafty hands at work until the damage has been done. For years, the online world seemed to offer many of us more friendship and more connection than we could find in our busy real lives. But what it actually offers is a cheap imitation of the intimacy we have truly been seeking. The devil is especially good at that - leading us away from what satisfies our souls and selling us a shiny fake that leaves us empty. I suspect that no one finds that to be true more quickly than influencers themselves. How many might wonder if anyone will actually know and love their "real self" once the sponsored ads stop running and the likes stop rolling in? While many surely love the spotlight and enjoy the perks of the lifestyle that social media provides for them, it is heartbreaking to think there are also many women out there in the Internet universe who, by all metrics, appear to be polished, popular, and important to hundreds of thousands of people and yet find themselves tonight without a friend's shoulder to cry on as they realize, "This is not everything I thought it would be." Criticism can sting. Relationships can crumble behind-the-scenes. The appearance of having it all together is often a painful mask we wear when everything is falling apart. And truly gospel-centered friends would have loving words for that, prayer for that, Biblical hope and wisdom for that. But, this fallen world has nothing -- and wouldn't offer it even if they did. The sad truth is that once one runs out of catchy soundbites or seductive snapshots, the world runs out of interest and simply clicks away.

So, what is the answer? How do we brace ourselves against a silent but powerful pressure to conform to a culture of entitlement, enabling, and indulgence? As always, the Lord offers us a better way. The issues we face today are clearly addressed in God's Word which is never outdated or insufficient. Let's consider each factor - the vortex, the vacuum, and the void - and see what Scripture has to say about how to mount our offensive against them.

 • Fighting the vortex:

○ 2 Timothy 3:1-7

But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth.

○ 2 Peter 2:1-3, 18-21

But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing upon themselves swift destruction. And many will follow their sensuality, and because of them the way of truth will be blasphemed. And in their greed they will exploit you with false words. Their condemnation from long ago is not idle, and their destruction is not asleep.…For, speaking loud boasts of folly, they entice by sensual passions of the flesh those who are barely escaping from those who live in error. They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption. For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved. For if, after they have escaped the defilements of the world through the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overcome, the last state has become worse for them than the first. For it would have been better for them never to have known the way of righteousness than after knowing it to turn back from the holy commandment delivered to them.

○ 1 Corinthians 6:12, 19-20

 “All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated by anything.…Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

○ Hebrews 4:15-16

 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

 • Filling the vacuum:

○ James 4:2-8,10

You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.…Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

○ Titus 2:3-5, 7-8, 11-14

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.…Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us.…For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.

○ 1 Peter 5:5-10

Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

○ Romans 12:1-2

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

○ 1 Peter 1:13-19

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.” And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one’s deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile, knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot.

○ Proverbs 13:20

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

○ Proverbs 13:24

Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

○ Proverbs 17:17

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

○ Proverbs 27:6, 9

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.…Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.

 • Re-framing the void:

○ Philippians 4:4-9

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

○ 2 Corinthians 4:8-10, 16-18

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.…So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

○ 2 Corinthians 12:10

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

○ 1 Timothy 6:6-12

But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

To fight the addictive power of the social media vortex, we can limit our access, know its liabilities and limitations, and live out our real lives with purpose. To fill the vacuum caused by loneliness and limited exposure to truth, we can intentionally pursue experienced and engaged Christian community, make consistent time for Bible reading and prayer, and seek out tested resources on topics we are unfamiliar with or issues that affect our individual Christian walks. To frame our perceptions through a lens of God's goodness instead of anxiety or greed, we can focus our minds and hearts on all we have been given -- gifts like the people we love, the places we call home, and the redemption we have in Christ.

I write this as a challenge to myself first. There is so much we can do through the power of the Holy Spirit to reject the lies we are fed. What we need is not more self-esteem, but more self-awareness. Not more self-empowerment, but more self-effacement. Not more autonomy, but more accountability. Not more prestige, but more prayer. Not more followers, but more true friends. Not more likes on our posts, but more love in our hearts. Not more gold or glamour, but more of God's undeniable presence. We need to spend more time assessing our internal motivations and priorities than scrolling through Instagram. We need to intentionally build up our husbands with encouragement and prayer rather than build a case against them for some future conflict. We need to find ways to delight in serving, loving, and discipling our families instead of dreading the mundanity of our day-to-day household responsibilities.

Contrary to what we may hear from our peers, here is the truth. Real pleasure is rooted in real joy. Real joy is rooted in real obedience to Christ. Real obedience to Christ is rooted in real love for Him. Real love for Him is rooted in real understanding of our deep need for a Savior. So ultimately, we will find satisfaction in our role as women, wives, and mothers -- even on hard days -- when we point our minds and hearts toward the saving grace of Jesus. Our service and sacrifice will become an offering to the One we love most and that love will flow out to everyone around us, particularly our families.

The dominant culture of our era tells us to hope in the promise of a drink at the end of a hard day or a getaway at the end of a hard week. The Lord tells us to hope instead in eternal glory with Him at the end of a hard life. Who will we choose to listen to? We are called to "play the long game" in our work, our relationships, and our parenting. The goal is glory, not fame or so-called freedom.

So, fellow mom, let's fix our eyes on the only One who is truly worthy of our attention, our worship, and our praise. Let's find real friends who lift us up, carry us to the throne of God in prayer, and remind us where our affections should truly lie. Let's focus on being who we are called to be, loving those we are called to love, and doing well the tasks that have been given us to do -- all with a glorious future in view. Let's de-influence ourselves for the good of our souls.

30: On Unrelenting Fear and an Unrelenting Father

I remember trembling with fear as my legs gave out in my 10th grade stairwell. Books tumbled down the steps as I crumbled under my backpack. My classmates watched as I explained that no, I had not tripped. Where was this pain coming from? Could they please call someone for me?

I was afraid of so many things. I was afraid that my body was falling apart. When I went to doctor after doctor and nobody knew what was happening, I felt sure it was. And I was afraid I was too chubby, too covered in acne, too neurotic, too brainy, too much for anyone to take seriously. Afraid I would never be good enough. Afraid my family wanted to be rid of me. Afraid my friends were not my friends at all when I wasn't looking. 

I remember trembling with fear as my legs gave out in my dorm stairwell, during freshman year of college. My roommates helped me get up, supported me into the room, and pinned me to my bunk bed to stop my violent shaking and kept repeating "Breathe. Breathe. Deeeep breaths, Ash. Just breathe." My heart was racing as the sweat beaded on my forehead. My panic was no longer just in my mind - it was coursing through my veins. 

I was afraid of so many things.I was afraid that I was failing - at coursework, at relationships, at faith, at everything. Afraid I was just too much for anyone to ever see me as I am. 

I remember trembling with fear as I left the Canadian clinic where I was told that I would need surgery. Surgery I couldn't get at home, that might reveal something permanently wrong, that might even affect my ability to be a mom. I sat in a booth at a nearby McDonalds, shaking from the worry and the cold, and I called my husband sobbing. I was afraid that my body was failing. 

I was afraid of so many things. Afraid that somehow God didn't see what was ahead. Afraid that even if He did see it, what was ahead was cruel and He wanted it that way because He was disappointed in me. Afraid that my dreams had shifted focus so often, that I would spend my life chasing them in circles - never achieving anything of any meaning at all. Afraid that my understanding of my own identity was much less secure than I thought. Afraid I would never be good enough. Afraid my family and my husband wanted to be rid of me. Afraid my friends had forgotten me and moved on. 

I remember trembling with fear as I fell into the cubicle wall beside my desk at the office, 8 months pregnant with my first child, doubling over from the pain of merely standing up. I had spent months inching my way down the hallways, hand on the wall, as I struggled to walk. Why was this happening? Wasn't all the sickness in the first trimester enough? I remember calling my husband in tears to pick me up and take me to the hospital because I could not bear the pain. This wasn't normal. I wasn't okay and I didn't know why. 

I was afraid of so many things. I was afraid that something would happen to my baby, that I would fall on the ice walking home, or that I would lose my ability to walk and care for my child. I was afraid that my body was failing me the one time I thought it would keep me safe. 

I remember trembling with fear as our family moved into a new chapter 4 years ago. My husband and I and our 8 month old son were leaving our first home as a family of 3 and temporarily moving back to his family home as we figured out what to do next - where to move and put down roots, what community we could serve, what we would do financially as I left work to stay at home with our son. We would be living out of boxes with no set-in-stone end date - something that filled my "always planning" personality with utter dread. It felt like I was stepping into midair with no safety net - only I had my child strapped tightly to my chest and had to have enough faith for the both of us. 

I was afraid of so many things. Afraid that somehow God didn't see what was ahead. Afraid that even if He did see the future, He kept me from seeing it because He didn't want me to mess it all up. Afraid that I'd be left picking up the pieces of my life and my marriage even when I longed so badly to be who I should be. Afraid that debilitating fear had become my MO, despite my awareness that God was over all things all the time. 

So many of these fears were based on nothing other than my anxious heart. Many were far from real, but even when fears only feel real, they do unspeakable damage. Talking about them is embarassing now, but I think we need the space to say to someone else who may be there right now, "It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to say you're afraid and to process that fear before the Lord, and in community, and in your art."

Many things have changed since things since my fears first started taking over. There have been hard days I felt I would never get through, and wonderful days I wished I could freeze for eternity. But through every one of those days, I have wrestled to cling tightly to the God who has never wavered or wobbled in His kindness and mercy to me.

Tonight, I am on the cusp of my 30th birthday. I really thought these 3 decades would feel much longer than this, but I have noticed something powerful about finishing them: finally, fear doesn't feel so close. My hands are steady as I write this, and somehow my heart is too. 

This past decade was certainly the most full of all! In my 20s, I graduated from university, got married, moved to a new country, got my first post-college job, became a stay-at-home mom to two handsome boys, bought our first house, made some incredible friends, wrote several songs and articles, finally got my driver's license, and even started homeschooling. 

It has been a whirlwind of flip-flopped plans and God's amazing faithfulness. It has also been a journey of recognizing and releasing my unrelenting fears to an unrelenting Father who has never stopped loving me back to hope in His goodness. Prayers have been answered in a million ways, large and small. The family I thought I'd never have is a blessing beyond what I imagined. And the grace I could never deserve is still enough for every new day of missteps as I walk on these weary and wobbly legs toward home. 

Grace, My Lifeline

Over the past several months, I have spent countless hours washing dishes, cooking meals, and cleaning washrooms under the sound of Christian podcasts. These have run the gamut from theological teaching series by R.C. Sproul and Mike Winger to informative conversations with apologists Sean McDowell and Alisa Childers. I have found myself challenged and encouraged, drawn to Scripture and drawn into worship even during the most mundane parts of my days as a stay-at-home mom. The one thing I did not anticipate was how much I would be reminded of just where I would be without the faithful hand of Jesus in my life. I have often been brought to my knees, thanking Him for holding my hand when anxiety almost crushed me and for loving me when my own fallenness and inadequacy pulled me toward despair. Thanking Him for answering my questions in the darkness with the light of his truth. As I draw closer to my 30th birthday this year and look back on the last 10 years, I am floored by how much change God has walked me through. 

Yet, as I read Bible stories with my two sons each night and hear their voices sing "Jesus, Strong and Kind" beside me, I remember vividly how differently I felt 10 years ago. I remember how this Jesus who I now know to be so close, often felt so far away, as I daily faced a world that hated or laughed at everything He stood for. I remember how many nights I lay awake wondering how I was supposed to walk with Jesus when my faith felt fractured, my own family felt fractured, and my own feelings and thoughts were often unwelcome and unexplained. I remember escaping to the basement piano room on my university campus to play and replay familiar hymns I now was struggling to believe. I would sit in the silence, let out my tears, and play more until I had words to pray. "How, Lord? How do I know if I'm even still Yours?" 

Today, I came across an article I shared 7 years ago to the day - "When Your Twenties Are Darker Than You Expected" by Paul Maxwell. I remember the way his words allowed me to bring my darkness fully into Jesus' light...but today I find the link is now dead, and so is the author's faith. Maxwell, a former professor of Philosophy at Moody Bible Institute, apparently renounced Christianity 1 year ago this April in an all-too-familiar "deconversion" post concluding with the words "I'm in a really good spot. Probably the best spot of my life. I'm so full of joy for the first time. I love my life."

No matter how many of these posts I read (and I have read so many the past few years), I will always be left with the question "Why?" I want to know why someone who has claimed to have seen Christ walk with them through their darkest moments is now happy to reject Him completely. I would ask him, "What about your current life brings you such fullness of joy? What do you love about your life that you didn't love before? What did you think about the meaning of your life as a Christian and what do you think about that now? How do you define being "in a good spot"?"

I want to ask because I wonder if the people stepping away from Jesus have ever asked themselves these questions. In my own life, I can say without a shred of hesitation that the worst moments of my life have been the moments in which I have pushed Him out, out of my own shame or fear or negligence or rebellion. In the depths of my sin or my pain, the worst news I could ever hear is that I am okay the way I am. Or that I am queen of my universe and have everything I need to flourish within my own mind and heart. Reality has shown me over and over again that this is a lie. 

When I am at odds with God, I put myself into a position in which I am most likely to be hurt and to hurt others. When the Scriptures say that our hearts are deceitful and desperately wicked,  this is NOT hyperbole - it is fact. When the Apostle Paul calls himself a wretched man imprisoned in a body of death, on what basis would we argue with him?! He WAS wretched, but Jesus came to Him anyway. Jesus showed up in a powerful way, transformed him completely, and set him apart for a purpose beyond what he could have imagined. THIS is what Jesus Christ does! We are wretched, but Jesus comes to us anyway. He shows up, changes us, and uses our lives in ways only He can orchestrate. 

The famous quote, "When we cannot trace His hand, we can trust His heart" has proven true for me over and over. Every time my back has been against the wall and I have felt overwhelmed by circumstances that I cannot explain away, Christ has stepped into that place with me and shown me His love in powerful ways. Even when He has felt far away, He has never been far away. 

These past several months have revealed many of my former church and school friends who have chosen to live in continual and public contradiction to God's Word. That may mean embracing a life along the LGBTQ spectrum, or cutting ties with all Christian community, or vigorously denying core biblical Christian doctrines, or any number of drastic choices distancing them from the Lord. This decision often feels sudden to an onlooker like me, but it cannot be sudden. Though I can't know the specific "whys" for each person, I do know that the journey away from Jesus is a long progression of small steps that then begin to move faster and faster in an opposite direction. We often hear it said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step - in this case, the journey of a thousand miles away from Christ begins with a single step away from Him. Maybe we are swayed first by politics or rhetoric, or by our apathy, or by our shame, or by our own temptations and desires, or even by the arguments of trusted teachers or loved ones...but no matter how it begins, we often only see the trajectory when we are worlds away from we started. 

I feel a sense of overwhelming sadness when I see people turn their eyes from Jesus - not because I am somehow spiritually superior, but precisely because I know I am not. I grieve because I realize that my own life is nothing without Him, and l fear that they will soon come to that realization too - after a long season of pain and confusion that I'd much rather they not experience. 

The reality is that were it not for the incredible love and mercy of Christ gripping my heart as a child, I would be in a place far different than where I am today. I would be alone in my sin, angry at the church, isolated from many Christian loved ones, and unprepared to meet my Creator. Were it not for the clear truth of God's Word gripping my mind as a child, I would find ways to ignore what it says as irrelevant and outdated. Were it not for the redeeming power of Christ's finished work on the cross gripping my soul as a child, I would easily make peace with my sin and assure myself that "sure, Jesus was good and everything, but I can be good too, and I'm in no need of a Savior." 

If the gospel had not penetrated to the very core of my identity, I would be the very worst version of where my personality leads - a perfectionist so wrapped up in my accomplishments AND my failures that I would eventually find the pressure too much and end my life before the world could watch every facet of my life implode. It may sound morbid, but it is the truth. When I take an internal look now, though, I am genuinely stunned by the goodness of God. I am amazed at how embracing the gospel of His grace has freed me from so many chains I had no idea I was carrying - chains of shame and criticism and fear and pride and sadness.

My favorite quotes in all the world come from John Newton: "Although my memory's fading , I remember 2 things very clearly: I am a great sinner, and Christ is a great Savior." And then, "I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still, I am not what I used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am."

God's grace frees me from needing to be good enough, but empowers me to grow in goodness through the Holy Spirit's power. God's grace frees me from needing to hide or excuse my sin, and empowers me to expose my sinfulness to the light and walk in repentance and forgiveness. God's grace shows me how unrighteous I am and simultaneously, how Christ offers me His righteousness through the greatest exchange in the universe. God's grace allows every dark and disastrous moment in my life to be redeemable, and offers hope and purpose in places where both seem impossible to find. 

Contrary to what many might believe or want you to think, true Christianity is never a claim to personal moral superiority - it is a claim to God's moral supremacy over sinners. True Christianity is not committing to following a list of rules to make peace with an angry God - it is an angry God reaching out in love to save people who are incapable of following the rules from His own just punishment for sin. God is judge AND mediator AND substitute. The "good news" is the story of how good we were supposed to be, how fallen we now are, how perfect and gracious God is, and how perfect we will be made through Christ's costly intervention on our behalf. 

For what it's worth, I am certain there is absolutely NO news that could be more refreshing than that for the me of 10 years ago or the me I am now. No matter what life throws at me, no matter what hard circumstances want me to believe, no matter what I hear or read or see or desire or feel,  this I know: I am not enough, and Christ is enough. I am a sinner, and Christ has saved me. I am not who I say I am, but I am who God created me to be. The Word of God is a lamp to show me where I'm going and light that leads me safely along the way. And when I repent and turn to the Lord, He promises to always welcome me Home into His family - and a love like that is worth everything it takes to reciprocate.

I give myself to Him because He gave Himself for me. And I hang on tight to grace, knowing it is my lifeline for now and for eternity. 

On The Goodness of Jesus in a Weary Wilderness

There were days that the darkness was so powerful it felt like I couldn't breathe at all,  nevermind move my body from my bed to the doorway. 

But then, there was a hungry baby beside me who needed me. So my feet moved as if on autopilot, and as I held the bottle to his mouth, I traveled far away in my imagination - numbing myself to the pain throbbing in my head. When the tears fell, I'd shove them away with the back of my shaky hand and focus on my breath the way my therapist had taught me years before - hold, 2, 3, 4...and release, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 

There were days it felt like absolutely everything had been taken away from us. Due to the impacts of Covid-19, our work was gone. Our freedoms were gone. Our family and friends were either hundreds of miles away or closeby and unable to enter our home. Our plans to do things and go places were instantly erased. But more than all the external things, it felt like my whole sense of self was gone. I used to know things about who I was and what mattered and what I wanted, yet now everything was becoming a question mark. Lost in the chaos of feeding schedules, diaper changes, clutter clean-up, and toddler tantrums, I wondered who this Ashley was on the inside now. 

Once engrossed in a new novel every day, this Ashley cannot remember the last time she actually finished a book. ANY book of any kind. Once organized by a detailed day-planner and way ahead of schedule, this Ashley is continually forgetting appointments and writing daily to-do lists that are never even close to being completed. She feels out of place physically in her postpartum body, and out of place mentally in her mom-brain with much less time and space for research and discussion and study...

I can't remember the exact day the thoughts of ending it all started to take shape. But I know my youngest son was almost 2 months old and I started to feel my grip on reality slipping. Mild irritations were becoming intense rages that raised my blood pressure and my voice to horrifying levels. I would go to bed sobbing as I rocked my colicky wailing child and wake up sobbing as I lifted his body toward mine. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen - both of my sons were the most beautiful things I had ever seen - but I was terrified. Terrified that I would hurt him, terrified that I would starve him, terrified that I wouldn't bond with him, terrified that he would fall out of my shaking aching arms one day and my whole world would collapse...and just plain terrified of not being "enough" for any of the things I knew I needed to be. Enough of a wife, enough of a mom, enough of a friend, enough of a daughter and sister, enough of a believer. I just wanted so badly to run away from life and run to Jesus' arms, tell Him how sorry I was for everything I had messed up, and just hide in His embrace until the earth melted away and my family could come and find me.

I felt fairly sure that after the first day or two, nobody would care too much I was gone. My family would move on with their lives as we always had done, living far apart; my husband would soon find a prettier wife who was a better parent and a better homemaker than I could ever be; my friends had plenty of other people they were closer to than me that they could lean on since I was typically the needy one anyway, etc...but then, I imagined my two sons. I imagined their innocent faces waking up to a world without me in it - and imagined how I would feel if I woke up to a world without my own mom in it. That same day, a friend who had walked with me through the early days of my firstborn son's life, posted an image on Facebook of a lion and his cub walking side-by-side that read, "I thought about giving up, but then I remembered who was watching." The weight of that image wrecked me enough to keep me hanging on. 

"O God, how did I get here? And what do I do?

Lord, please don't leave me! Help. Please." The prayers were short. The groanings were long. And the shame was crippling. I really didn't want this to be part of my story. I would rather have gone through another unmedicated labor with another 10+ pound child than deal with the fact that I had a problem I couldn't seem to fix on my own.

Who else lands in a heap on the kitchen floor at 1 in the afternoon, shaking so violently with sobs that they are physically unable to get up to check on their napping kids?! Who stands over their frightened toddler in a blind rage that he whined about his breakfast plate?! I'm supposed to be OK. I'm supposed to have peace and joy and gentleness and patience. But I don't - and I don't know how to get what I need. How can I ask God to give me what I should have by now if I was really a good Christian?

In the middle of these dark moments, I remembered a conversation I had with a struggling friend a few years earlier. "You can leave God if you want, but if you leave Him out thinking that will make life better, it won't - it will make life infinitely worse. You can have everything else but if it's without Him, you'll have NOTHING." I still believe this to be true beyond a shadow of a doubt. But now, I have spent days that I would never have survived without Him. I KNOW it. Because on the days when there was nothing else to cling to, there was HIM. Not some vague "god" who is in everything and everyone and sheds universal peace and light and a warm glow. Not some nameless "higher power" that will someday magically set everything aright. No, there was MY God - Jehovah, Yahweh, I AM. A personal God who was there as my Father. As my Savior and Friend. As my Comforter and Counselor. 

The Psalmist writes, "I would have despaired unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Amen is all I can say. My desperate emotions would have destroyed me were not the hope of final redemption etched so deeply into my soul. Ultimately, even when faith feels like a fraying thread, the believer in Jesus has something firm to cling to. The Lord IS GOOD. He was good then, He is good now, and He will be good forever. So when I can't see that, there must be something I'm missing.

So I counted on what others could see and did my best to struggle openly, as much as I hated the thought of anyone knowing. I called trustworthy friends and cried, and they prayed me through. I called my mom and my sisters and cried, and they prayed me through. And my husband was the steady presence that I could cling to in the times when it felt like I had no one else. We prayed, and trusted God together, and put one foot in front of the other, day in and day out, until the fog started lifting. 

And yes, it really did lift.

Fast-forward several months and here I am with an almost one-year-old who is the embodiment of joy. His whole chubby body smiles when he smiles, it laughs when he laughs - and he smiles and laughs all day long. He and his big brother are the ultimate snuggle-buddies and I get to watch their bond grow. I get to see him try his first foods, crawl and walk and talk for the first time. And I can't help but remember that I would have missed all this if I had given in to despair. 

"Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5) Sometimes that "night" feels very long but the fact remains that joy DOES come. Either here on Earth in small measure, or at least in Heaven in full measure. 

Life is still hard. Add in the stresses of lockdowns and conflicts everywhere (about seemingly everything) and some days it is still REALLY hard. But here is what I have learned. The faithful goodness of God is there right in the middle of the hard things, even the things we are convinced we cannot face. 

He is strength when we are weak. He is truth when we are burdened with questions. He is peace when the storm is raging around us. He is love when we are at our most unlovable. He is goodness amid all that is so very NOT good. 

"This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:21-23

Wherever you are and however you are feeling, know you are loved and you are not alone. 

~Me